SORRY, THANK YOU, GOODBYE [Memoir]

This is actually a story written way way back a few years ago but let me just retell this tragic story.

Written on [Saturday, September 22, 2012, 1:56:13 AM]

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Why is there a person who can't move on? Why do they stay attached in a hopeless emotion? Why do they still let their love and devotion flow for a person who just spilled everything away and broke their virgin hearts? What do those persons possess to keep on loving them even if in reality, there is nothing left for them. Nothing...

...Is it satisfying? Does it bring them blissful feeling to stay holding on to the string where no one is holding on the other end? Do they not think that it is just foolish and ridiculous? Where is their brain? Is it functioning well? What they are doing is illogical. Nonsense. Crazy. Deranged. Outrageously insane. What other reasons do they have? They still love them? But they are not loved anymore! Martyrdom or just being masochist?"

These are the words that I say to my friends when they are at that certain point in a relationship where everything is falling apart and there they are, crying in front of me. They go to me for counsel and I give them a lot of words. Be like this, Not like that, Do this, Avoid doing that and many more. These are "words of wisdom" when it comes to love and relationship and in the end, I can't even apply these principles to myself. It was my turn. Finally, I was put in that situation.

I have spoken so many things yet I can't even use them. In the end, I was the one who was an idiot and hypocrite. I can't stand on my own words. It was true. We cannot always walk our talk. The one who always speak was also the one who's actually weak.

I remember when I first knew her. It was the warm month of June - beginning of a new chapter in life -start of college days. Her name is Ella. She is not really beautiful. You should say that she is rather cute. She's just a small petite girl. Her eyes are big but fits perfectly with her round face. It struck me. She is a living proof of what this certain french painter named Carlotti said. He said that beauty is summation of parts working together in such a way that nothing is needed to be added, taken away, altered or changed. It is her. You won't ask for more because she is already complete.

Actually, I haven't really liked her yet. I already have one whom I have utmost admiration. I already have a crush, idol and love and that is just one person. Wherever I look, she is always the one I see but everything changed. I began liking Ella. I felt I betraying my first love.

Was I played by destiny when this sudden change of heart began?

We became closed friends. We were actually seatmates. Our surnames are consecutively arranged and I was put next to her seat and because we're seatmates, we always talk, have a little chitchat, teasing, pinching crack half-meant jokes and other silly agendas. We always have time to talk. Sometimes, I ask her to massage my tired hands with her soft palms. It was heaven. It's as if we are in our own world - not caring on other people. Just us.

Months had passed and we haven't expected that this certain hi-hello relationship will grow into something bigger - something special. After we spent some time together, creating a world within our tete a tete, talk about the dramas in our lives, exchange of beliefs and ideals, debates on principles and philosophies and sharing our hopes, dreams and aspirations, we thought that what if there is something special that waits for us. Then, it turned to me. She is already part of my dream.

A few months passed and I told her I like her but not in the way one could imagine. You might say that it was improper but this is how it began. 

We were writing scripts for a film project. We were at our friend's house. The three of us were working on it. We were actually just chaperones. The script was really my friend's sole work and we just went with him to kill time after class. My friend was writing the script while Ella and I are resting on a bed chatting and flirting with each other. Since our friend is focused in his work and he can't see what we are doing on the bed because of a thick curtain parting the room, we kissed. We were looking straight at each other. The space between our faces are getting smaller and smaller. As the distance decreases, the heartbeats increase. My hands are tied with hers. I filled the spaces between her fingers as her lips filled my lips and the silence was defeated by the beats from our chests. It lasted passionately. It ended as I kissed her forehead. 

We slept afterwards while the music of Johann Pachelbel plays across the room. Our friend was also tired of working and he eventually slept tightly. Unknown to him, part of the history of their house is a kiss between two strangers.

It was my favorite music back then. Canon by Johann Pachelbel - famous for the korean film, My Sassy Girl. I was in awe realizing that I have found my own sassy girl. The romantic melody of the music made me ask for her hand for a dance. We danced as the tune glides in our ears. I slide her waist in my hand and I wave her in the floor in finishing the sway then suddenly, we kissed again - only this time, everything is much more hyped. I dragged her behind the cabinet to make thing more discreet and not wake our sleeping friend. It gives us more time to spare for this certain bliss our thing brings. I asked, "Is this forever? I hope this does not end".

It was sweet and romantic. Nevertheless, it was also bitter, thinking that everything that undergone were wrong. We are not in a relationship. We stopped as we thought of this as a mistake. Was it really a mistake? I was hoping it was not. All I know is that it wasn't right and wasn't wrong either. I just kissed her on her red cheeks before bidding goodbye. This moment should end for now but I have to make sure that this something special we are feeling should grow.

Days have passed. She ignored my texts. She declined my calls. She prevents herself seeing eye to eye with me but those didn't stop me from reaching her again. It was time to formally court her. I should ask for her hands in a cultured way where a man respectfully woos a woman.

A man strives to gain the trust of a woman. A man seeks for that certain yes to the most important question. I got her yes. I was the happiest person in the world.

 But this doesn't stay too long. The turn of events is yet to come.

With her, I tasted the sweetest things in the world but also with her, the most bitter things are brought. I was about to taste the vile side of love. A bitter end awaits me.

After all those sweet memories shared, those sweet nothings transformed into nothing. Just nothing. Things eventually became paler and paler. The colorful story was turning grayer and grayer and the dark emotions grow. I can't tell what real from fake anymore.

I asked, " Is she getting tired of being with me?" But that's not all, there is more to it. I care not to tell any more details, at least to pay respect to her.

We all know how gossips have certain truth in it. Stories from many people emerge. Chat here, chat there. Story here and there. I don't know what's real and what's not. All I know is that it hurts me. It is hurting me. I can't explain the pain. All I know is that it is much from what I am expecting. The end is not yet the end.

I only had a few romances. She had many. She may have been used to what people think. Being numb might already be mastered by her. She knows how to escape this kind of labyrinth but me? I cannot.

We decided to just end the relationship. This is to at least fulfill the bitter expectation I have of what end could we have. Just a simple ending. Even though it is against the will of my heart, I let her go. I know I can't bring her happiness anymore.

I realized that we are really different. That's the truth. We play different game. We live on different worlds. She wanted to stay in a complicated while I prefer the simple one. I am like the sea. I go back to the shore where I belong. Unlike her, she is a river that flows. She come and go. She just came and gave me a taste of what love can be.

Now, I can really understand my friends. To love is something great. It is our decision and choice if we still want to continue loving and be called a martyr. I just learned to love her so much. So much that it almost killed me. I am proud that I did love her so much. At least, I can say, I did not lack.

I stayed loving her. I stayed for her because I knew she still needs me. Is this obsession? Yes, maybe, I don't know. To the eyes of someone loving, this is just love. Whatever happens, I support her. Whenever she needs me, I am just one call, one text away.

To those person who think and judge that I am a fool. I don't use my brain. I make myself look pathetic. Thank you for your concern. I don't need them.

To those who know the art of letting go, teach me how. I don't know how to escape from this kind of love. Teach me so that I can finally tell her Sorry, Thank You and Goodbye.